What if You KNOW a Confrontation Will Turn UGLY?
When people offend you, confrontation & correction is a biblical solution to the problem (Matthew 18:15-17), but there are seven common sense guidelines for rebuke, especially if you want the correction to be successful.
Yet what if the individual that needs confronted is known for being difficult (with you, if no one else) and so approaching him/her with a correction will likely create more issues than resolve? Put another way, this person tends to bring out the worst in you and so a reprimand on your part will probably result in a nasty mêlée. If you sense this then don’t do it, unless of course the Spirit specifically leads you to do so. It wouldn’t be worth it. Only a masochist would willfully enter into such a draining, unpleasant confrontation.
If the person goes to your assembly you can procure the aid of spiritually mature elders and then confront him/her, which will help keep the situation from becoming nasty. If the offender doesn’t go to your fellowship you can recruit the assistance of spiritual friends or kin. If neither of these is a viable option, then just intercede in the hope that the transgressor will change, but otherwise keep your distance. If it’s a person you’re forced to brush shoulders with due to work, family or neighborhood then limit your contact as far as is possible.
Someone might understandably contend: ‘But the Lord said we must confront the individual in Matthew 18:15-17.’ Actually Christ’s instructions apply specifically to handling offending Christians from one’s own assembly, which naturally means his guidelines must be revised in cases where the transgressor is hooked up with another fellowship or is unchurched. The Messiah’s words are more general instructions than unbendable rules that must be observed to the letter in each potential case.
For support, consider Paul’s instructions to the believers in Rome:
I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. 18 For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.
Romans 16:17-18 (ESV)
Paul instructs believers to look out for those who tend to cause conflict and concludes by simply saying “avoid them.” He doesn’t say anything about confronting & correcting these troublesome souls; he merely says to keep away from them. Were these contentious individuals believers or heathen? Paul was obviously denoting people functioning within the fellowship of Roman Christians who were at least professing believers. Whether they were genuine followers of Christ or not, Paul stresses in verse 18 that they weren’t actually serving the Lord but rather their own appetites. He then reveals what marks such divisive people: They have a reputation for being smooth talkers who deceive naïve folks, that is, people who are incapable of discerning their carnal character.
What exactly is deceitful “smooth talk”? To be frank, it’s bullcrap or another word that shares the initials of Bernie Sanders. These types have a knack for telling stories and exaggeration. Put another way, they have the ability to dazzle listeners with their bullcrap; not everyone, of course, just those who are gullible and lack the ability to identify their bullcrap for what it is. These are fabricators, braggarts and flatterers who naturally create discord and division wherever they roam since it’s their very nature. Guard yourself from such ‘believers’ and steer clear of them. Don’t approach and reprimand them because they’ll despise you for it and turn the situation against you (Proverbs 9:7-9); they’ll try to tear you to pieces like the (hidden) vicious predators they are (Psalm 57:4, Psalm 3:7 & Proverbs 30:14). They want to lure you into the realm of the flesh, which is the plane from which they operate. They want to bring out the worst in you. Don’t take the bait. Keep away from them; intercede for them and shield the naïve sheep in your midst from their smooth-talking devices.
I had an in-law years ago who was so offensive and argumentative that I had to stop taking his calls. I’d delete his messages without even listening. Why? Because speaking to him, or even giving ear to a voicemail, was like consuming poison; it would throw my day off course — destroying my concentration and draining my energy. I found out a Christian relative refused to take his calls as well. Neither of us did this hastily; it took ten years of merciful forbearance and prayer. But life is too valuable to squander on arrogant, disrespectful troublemakers and liars, even if they profess to be Christians (Titus 1:16). Don’t give ear to such a proven contentious person unless you learn from a respected source that s/he is willing to speak with a smidgen of meekness and respect. If so, give it a try.
Here’s another relevant text on the topic:
But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.
2 Timothy 3:1-5 (ESV)
Paul gave these instructions to his acolyte, Timothy. He exhorted him to “avoid” these fleshly types who had an “appearance of godliness” but no actual spiritual effectiveness (verse 5). This revealed that these were people who claimed to know the LORD but plainly lacked the power of a new life. Instead of fruit of the spirit — love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, humility and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23) — they reveal steady signs of hatred, selfishness, greed, boasting, arrogance, manipulation, ungratefulness, depravity, gossip/slander, recklessness and smugness. As with the passage from Romans above, the apostle doesn’t even tell his protégé to confront & correct such individuals; rather he directs him to simply keep away from them.
If the offenders you are dealing with share these carnal traits, rebuking them is pointless because they lack the spiritual character to receive correction, the primary fruit being love. It’s just not possible to correct bigheaded, rude, impulsive individuals without being pulled into a big nasty fight. It will likely drag you into the realm of the flesh and draw out the worst in you. These hardened types loathe spirituality and correction, regardless of whether or not they’re confessing Christians and attend a certain assembly. “Avoid such people.”
Discern Proper Timing When a Confrontation/Correction Is Necessary
Timing is another thing to consider when the possibility of an ugly confrontation surfaces. The Messiah’s handling of the Pharisees is a good illustration. The Pharisees & other legalists in the Holy Land were unjustly antagonistic toward Christ and were so hateful they literally schemed to slay him. They also transgressed against the LORD with their gross legalism and shady “leadership” in Israel. Keep in mind that Yeshua was Immanuel — “God with us” (Isaiah 7:14 & Matthew 1:23) — so these corrupt religionists were sinning against the Son just as well as the Father. Obviously the Lord would have to eventually confront them if they failed to respond to intercession and the preaching of truth, even though he knew it wouldn’t be pleasant. However, we observe Jesus leaving Judea for Galilee in the early days of his ministry in order to dodge a premature altercation with the Pharisees, who were troubled by his swelling number of disciples (John 4:1-3). They were obviously green with envy. Whilst Christ knew he would probably have to confront & correct these fake religious leaders, it was yet too early to do so; thus he evaded a clash altogether by going back to Galilee. The Messiah later reprimanded them to their faces, of course, and it was anything but pleasant (Luke 11:37-54 & Matthew 23:13-33).
This discloses the Messiah’s fight strategy regarding the possibility of open rebuke: He first tackled the situation in a moderate, lenient manner — dodging an ugly clash in preference to prayer & conveying the Word. He only upped the ante when the gentler method failed to produce results. When Christ dealt with spiritual individuals, like John “the disciple whom Jesus loved,” he rarely if ever had to take the tough love approach because spiritual people have the prudence to respond to the softer approach.
Paul adhered to this basic plan of action as well. He established the assembly at Corinth and set the doctrinal groundwork with much paternal love, compassion, kindness and intercession. But several years later he found out that the congregants were acting like spiritual infants and so he rebuked them (1 Corinthians 3:1-3); he was even ready to pull out the metaphorical whip (1 Corinthians 4:21). If they reacted wisely to the harder approach, meaning they meekly ’fessed up, Paul would of course return to his softer, favored style of ministry.
Let’s bring this home: If the prayerful, soft love manner isn’t effective, God may direct you or me to confront individuals in the Christian community, including ‘leaders’ corrupted by pomposity and religiosity, but we have to discern appropriate timing. Like Christ, we have to be guided by the Spirit and go with our spiritual instincts, even though this won’t change the likelihood that the altercation will be unpleasant.
This article was taken from chapter 3 of How to Handle OFFENSES: Personal & Criminal
You can purchase the print book here for only $5.76 (121 pages)
Or get the Kindle eBook here for only 99¢
Related Topics:
How to Confront & Correct (and How NOT to)
Handling Personal Offenses vs. Handling Criminal Acts
Condemnation & Authoritarianism
Is Name-Calling Ever Appropriate?
Accountability — the Good, the Bad and the Eye-Rolling
The Issue of Eating Meat Sacrificed to Idols
Forgiveness—Should You Forgive EVERYONE for EVERYTHING ALL of the Time?
Insights on OFFENSE & FORGIVENESS from Joseph’s Story
Why You should always Forgive when the Offender is Repentant
Nosiness and Manipulation (NOT Spiritual)
Legalism — Understanding its Many Forms
How to CONFRONT & CORRECT (and How NOT to)
Genuine believers are to be submitted to one another (Ephesians 5:21), which means we’re accountable to each other based on the morality of New Covenant Christianity and the corresponding God-breathed Scriptures (2 Timothy 3:16-17 & 1 Corinthians 4:6). The biblical book of wisdom puts it like this: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). This principle keeps believers sharp and the best they can be thus “open rebuke is better than hidden love” (Proverbs 27:5).
You can learn a lot about the character of a person by how they respond to a legitimate correction:
8 Do not rebuke mockers [proud fools] or they will hate you;
rebuke the wise and they will love you.
9 Instruct the wise and they will be wiser still;
teach the righteous and they will add to their learning.Proverbs 9:8-9
Of course, no one appreciates a disrespectful correction or an exasperating overreaction, not even wise, godly people. In fact, an arrogant, impulsive rebuke shows that the one doing the correcting has moral issues likely greater than the one he/she is trying to correct. Keep in mind that carnal pride is sin numero uno, a decidedly satanic trait (Ezekiel 28:17, 1 Timothy 3:6 & 1 John 2:16).
Humility, by contrast, is thoroughly spiritual and conducive to grace, i.e. God’s favor (James 4:6 & 1 Peter 5:5).
What the Messiah Instructed about Rebuke
What did Christ say about confrontation & potential correction? (I say “potential correction” because the rebuke might not be valid). When a brother or sister in the Lord offends you, here’s what the Lord said to do:
“If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. 4 Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”
Luke 17:3-4
The Messiah was not talking about a serious crime here, like rape, assault, robbery or the murder of a loved one. If someone commits a crime like this you need to take it to the governing authorities, which are established by God to punish criminals, including the power to execute when appropriate: “they are God’s servants, agents of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer” (Romans 13:1-6).
So Christ was talking about personal offenses, like snubbing, malicious gossip (aka backbiting), insults, lying, minor theft and so forth. It could also be a situation where you observe the individual do something immoral, like committing adultery, lying, slandering or being a drunkard. When fellow believers offend in this manner they should first be confronted & corrected based on the moral truths of the Word of God, then, forgiven if they repent. ‘Forgive’ literally means to “cancel the debt” or “dismiss the charge.” When the offender is stubbornly unrepentant we are not to dismiss the offense. Jesus specified this condition in more detail here:
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
Matthew 18:15-17
When a fellow believer sins against us we’re not to gossip about it to others, but rather go to the offending person in private and share with them what they did to offend. As far as is possible, we should do this with a humble, compassionate spirit, which sometimes might be challenging because the offense in question is so offensive.
If the offender refuses to repent then we are to get one or two spiritual believers and confront the person again. I emphasize spiritual believers because if you enlist a carnal Christian into the scenario it will not help the situation to say the least (I’m talking about someone who says they’re a believer, but regularly produce bad fruit like arrogance, greed, gossip and lying). The inclusion of additional godly people will naturally help make sure the charge is authentic.
If the offender is still impenitent then we’re to tell it to the church in general so that the person is socially pressured to ’fess up and make a turnaround. If the offender continues to be stubborn and unrepentant then we’re to regard him/her as a pagan or tax-collector. A pagan is an unbeliever, which means you stop treating the person as if they were a brother or sister in the Lord because his/her actions have proven otherwise.
You can read details about confrontation & correction here, what we want to focus on in this article is…
Things to Do and NOT do when Confronting & Correcting
- Make sure you have a scriptural basis for your correction since it is the foundation “for instruction, for conviction, for correction, and for training in righteousness” (2 Timothy 3:16-17). If you cannot articulate from the rightly-divided Word of God what’s wrong with the behavior in question then your case is too weak for a confrontation.
- Don’t say “Yay, the Holy Spirit told me to tell you” because (A) it comes off as religious arrogance and (B) you don’t need to say this if your rebuke has a legitimate biblical foundation. Keep in mind that the Scriptures were written by the Holy Spirit thru divinely designated people (2 Peter 1:21) so any moral correction of the Holy Spirit should already be conveyed in the Bible, directly or indirectly.
- Speaking of which, don’t rebuke a person for a moral rule that’s not actually biblical. People who do this are infected by legalism, which is law-ism. It’s a religious obsession with rules, usually unscriptural rules, and the despotic enforcement of them. A couple of good examples would be playing pool or cards. There’s nothing intrinsically evil about these games; they’re neutral activities relevant to healthy R&R (Ecclesiastes 3:4), which of course doesn’t mean you have to like them or play them. If you don’t like them, don’t play them. The real reason legalists denounce these games is because pool is associated with bars & the corresponding drunkenness while card-playing is associated with gambling. In the 2000s I had a pool room in my house, but there was zero drunkenness linked to it. A person can enjoy pool and not be a drunkard. Similarly, people can play card games and not froth at the mouth with greed & corruption. By all means, rebuke drunkard-ness and greedy corruption as led of the Spirit, but not playing pool and card games. Allow the Spirit to minister to individuals about whether or not it’s wise for them to participate in a particular neutral activity.
- Don’t overreact to what you perceive as a moral offense because it might not be a sin at all. Rather, the problem could be over-sensitivity on your part because you’re weak in a certain area (we’re all weak in one area or another). At worst, the behavior in question might just be unwise. For instance, an ex-alcoholic believer sees a brother drinking an alcoholic beverage and assumes he’s a drunkard, thus rebuking him. Yet the confronted brother walks in moderation and isn’t tempted by drunkenness in the slightest. In a case like this, the brother isn’t sinning because drinking a sip of alcohol is not a sin; rather being a drunkard is what is sinful. However, depending on the location, you could exhort him that it’s not wise to drink an alcoholic beverage in public because it could make a brother or sister with a weak conscience stumble. It could also be a bad ‘witness.’ In such cases the believer should “keep it between himself (or herself) and God” (Romans 14:22); in other words, it should wisely be kept private. For biblical insights on the believer’s freedom in relation to dealing with Christians with weak consciences see Romans 14 and 1 Corinthians 8.
- Since your goal is to correct the person, not unnecessarily offend or antagonize him/her, phrase your correction in a respectable manner. This is especially so if the person is your elder, whether physically or spiritually, which corresponds to this passage: “Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders. Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for ‘God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble’ ” (1 Peter 5:5). The fact that someone is more mature than you physically or spiritually does not mean you shouldn’t correct him/her, but it does mean you should apply appropriate respect, particularly if you want the correction to be received (assuming it’s even legitimate). There’s a right way to do something and a wrong way. Even if your intentions are righteous, there’s a wrong way to carry out a correction — like being rash, excessive or disrespectful — which will naturally reduce the chances of it being received. Remember: Your goal is to successfully correct the person. A good example in the Scriptures is when Paul openly corrected the elder apostle Peter (Galatians 2:6-14). The reprimand was received because Paul used wisdom in what he said, how he said it and what he didn’t say (because he didn’t need to say it).
- When you implement the confrontation be open to receiving correction yourself since “iron sharpens iron” (Proverbs 27:17). In fact, it may be you who needs correction more so than the person you’re rebuking. In such situations the Holy Spirit turns the confrontation around on the wannabe rebuker. This is one of the reasons why going directly to the offending person and discussing the issue is so wise and effective.
- Speaking of wannabe rebukers, please don’t be a “gung-ho rebuker.” Confrontation & correction is a positive thing if the reprimand is valid, not to mention the boldness required to do this is commendable. It’s an example of walking in tough love. However, being an annoying faultfinder who’s perpetually “offended” and quick to accuse is not a good thing. For one thing, it smacks of pettiness.Remember, those who make a battle out of everything won’t have the energy for building anything, at least not anything positive.Another problem with constant questionable accusations is that it’s a trait of the Enemy. I’m talking about Satan — the “adversary” or “enemy” — who is also called the devil, which is translated from the Greek diabolos (dee-AB-ol-os), meaning “slanderer.” The term comes from the verb diaballó (dee-ab-AL-loh), meaning “to slander, accuse, defame, complain.” On top of this, the Bible plainly describes Satan as “the accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night” (Revelation 12:10). Moreover, Christ called the devil a “murderer from the beginning” and “the father of lies” (John 8:44). Do you know a (supposed) brother or sister in the Lord — including “ministers” — that continuously faultfind & accuse believers? They’re behaving like Satan, which isn’t a good thing. Either they’re a child of the devil and therefore a counterfeit believer (Matthew 7:15-23 & John 8:42-47) or they’re grossly ignorant and misled of the Enemy (2 Timothy 2:24-26).
Make no mistake, honest correction is sometimes necessary; it’s a healthy thing because it keeps believers sharp. Just be sure to follow these seven wise guidelines.
But what if you know confronting a certain person will turn UGLY? In other words, this individual is difficult and tends to bring out the worst in you, so a reprimand on your part will probably result in a nasty mêlée. What does the Bible instruct you to do in such cases? See this article for answers.
This article was taken from chapter 3 of How to Handle OFFENSES: Personal & Criminal
You can purchase the print book here for only $5.76 (121 pages)
Or get the Kindle eBook here for only 99¢
Related Topics:
Handling Personal Offenses vs. Handling Criminal Acts
Condemnation & Authoritarianism
Is Name-Calling Ever Appropriate?
Accountability — the Good, the Bad and the Eye-Rolling
The Issue of Eating Meat Sacrificed to Idols
Forgiveness—Should You Forgive EVERYONE for EVERYTHING ALL of the Time?
Insights on OFFENSE & FORGIVENESS from Joseph’s Story
Why You should always Forgive when the Offender is Repentant
Nosiness and Manipulation (NOT Spiritual)
Legalism — Understanding its Many Forms
Gentle Love and Tough Love
John was the great “apostle of love” who wrote the Bible’s “epistle of love” (1 John), yet notice this interesting instruction he gave concerning judging the fruit of false teachers in the church:
If anyone comes to you and does not bring this teaching, do not take him into your house or welcome him. (11) Anyone who welcomes him shares in his wicked work.
2 John 1:10-11
What “teaching” is John talking about? He’s referring to what he just taught in the brief letter, which was that believers should live lives of love, follow the Word, and acknowledge Jesus Christ as coming in the flesh (verses 5-9). So-called believers who teach or live contrary to this are not to be welcomed into our houses! The phrase “If anyone comes to you” indicates that John was talking about those who go from house to house, church to church or Bible study to Bible study hawking their hatred and false doctrines. We’re to disassociate from them as far as close familial relations go since welcoming them would be tantamount to approval and “sharing in their wicked work.”
According to our quaint modern notions of love and niceness, which includes unconditional tolerance, this instruction appears decidedly unloving. Much of Christendom today embraces this sentiment but the Bible teaches otherwise. As always, we need to be balanced on the issue. Yes, there’s a soft side to agape love, but there’s also a hard side, often referred to as “tough love.” This hard type of love isn’t at odds with the softer variety; it goes hand-and-hand with it. After all, John’s instruction to walk in tough love above is preceded by this admonishment to live lives of love:
I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another. (6) And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.
2 John 1:5-6
As you can see, John stressed living a life of love and even defines love as walking in obedience to God’s commands, which is supported by numerous other passages (1 John 5:3, John 14:15, 14:21, 14:23-24 & 15:10). Needless to say, if people say they love God but refuse to walk according to His Word or obey the instructions of the Holy Spirit they’re not, in fact, loving him.
The Full Definition of Agape Love
When you think of love in a non-romantic sense what automatically comes to mind? Usually things like niceness, patience and peaceableness, right? These are all accurate descriptions of agape love, but observe the full Biblical definition:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. (5) It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. (6) Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. (7) It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
A whole book could be written on this simple passage, but I’d like to focus on the fact that love is much more than just being nice. Yes, “love is kind” but sometimes doing what is kind or good may not necessarily be what is nice. What do you do when you see a dear brother keep falling back into booze or drugs as a crutch, limiting his life and destroying it? You’ve been patient and have continued to encourage him and pray for him, for months or years, but he keeps sliding back into his pet sin and you know one day he may not come out of it. I’ve seen it happen. In such cases the kindest thing you can possibly do is offer a sharp correction or warning by bluntly telling him the truth. After all, didn’t Jesus say it’s the truth that will set us free? Sometimes people need to hear the awful truth before they’re willing to embrace the gospel truth. For instance, you may be provoked in your spirit to say (or yell): “Why are you idolizing alcohol (or drugs)?! Why are you ruining your life?! Turn away from this foolishness – seek the LORD while he may still be found!!” Such an approach may not be nice, but it may be the very thing that’ll snap the man out of his carnal stupor. What would provoke you or any person to such un-nice measures? It’s simple: You can’t stand seeing evil and folly swallow up someone you love. This is tough love. Verse 6 says “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.”
The Balance of Gentle Love and Tough Love
Are there examples of this type of “tough love” in the New Testament? Of course. Jesus called Peter “Satan” for being a mouthpiece for the devil (Matthew 16:23). Let’s keep in mind, however, that Jesus also highly commended Peter in the very same chapter just a handful of verses earlier (17-19). This shows balance – Jesus didn’t hesitate to commend people’s positive qualities, yet had no qualms about correcting folly or evil either. This is the equilibrium of gentle love and tough love. Another good example is Paul’s open rebuke of Peter in front of others for his hypocrisy (Galatians 2:11-14). Of course the most extreme example of tough love is when Jesus cleansed the temple of selfish, greedy riff-raff, which he did twice – once at the beginning of his ministry (John 2:13-17) and later near the end (Matthew 21:12-13). Although it wasn’t his normal every-day manner, Jesus threw over tables, scattered coins, cracked a whip, yelled and chased people & animals out, hardly the actions of a nice-guy doormat. And no one dared challenge him; he was a holy terror, pure and simple. How do we explain these nigh shocking accounts? Doesn’t the Bible say God is love (1 John 4:8,16)? Isn’t Jesus one with the Father (John 10:30 & John 1:1)? Absolutely, but some situations call for the softer side of love and some the hard side. We have to be led of the Spirit realizing that sometimes doing the good thing may not be the nice thing.
This, incidentally, disproves the theory that the fruit of the spirit stem only from ‘feminine’ softness rather than ‘masculine’ sternness. If you’re not familiar with this position, it postulates that a Christian man must deviate from the fruit of the spirit in order to walk in his true masculine strength because the fruits of the spirit are feminine in nature. In short, if a man walks in masculine power he can’t at the same time produce fruit of the spirit. This is nonsense and wholly unbiblical.
The fruits of the spirit are diverse and perfectly balance each other out. For instance, although gentleness is a fruit of the spirit, so is power (Acts 1:8 & 1 Corinthians 4:20). The Greek word for power is dunamis, which is where we get the English dynamite. Does “dynamite power” sound soft and gentle or potent and explosive? Jesus walked in this power when he radically cleared the temple, which amazed the onlookers and provoked fear in the religionists (Mark 11:18). Also, consider the fact that, although ‘kindness’ can mean “niceness,” that’s not all it means. As illustrated above, sometimes the kindest thing you can do for a person is to make a judgment of his/her bad fruit and offer a much-needed wake-up call. Goodness is also a fruit of the spirit but, again, sometimes doing what is good for a person or situation may not be very nice or lovey-dovey. For instance, when Peter sharply corrected Simon the sorcerer he wasn’t being nice, but he was definitely producing the fruits of love, kindness and goodness (Acts 8:9-24). Similarly, when we read of Paul’s open rebuke of Elymas the sorcerer (Acts 13:8-12) it may not seem very loving to modern Westernized readers, but nothing could be further from the truth. Paul did this deceitful trickster the kindest thing possible – he told him the awful truth about himself in order to spur repentance. It can’t be argued that Paul wasn’t producing fruit of the spirit because the text plainly states that he was “filled with the Holy Spirit” when he judged and rebuked the magician (verse 9). As noted earlier, righteousness is also a fruit of the spirit (Ephesians 5:9 & Philippians 1:11); sometimes doing the right thing may not necessarily be the polite thing.
The “Eli Syndrome”
Consider Eli, the priest at Shiloh. His two sons were “in the ministry” but are described in the Bible as wicked men who had no regard for the LORD and even fornicated with the young women who served at the tabernacle! Read it yourself in 1 Samuel 2:12,17,22. Although Eli rebuked his sons at one point it’s clear that his heart wasn’t in it, so to speak, and his sons continued in their wicked ways (verses 23-25). What was going on there? Eli loved his sons, as any parent, but he foolishly only loved them with soft, feminine love. This was a huge mistake and ultimately resulted in God’s judgment, which entailed the premature death of both sons, as well as the capture of the Ark of the Covenant, Eli’s own death, the death of his daughter-in-law and the departure of God’s anointing from his direct bloodline (1 Samuel 4:11,18-22). This could have all been avoided if only Eli was willing to love his sons with the necessary tough love, which would involve more than just a half-hearted verbal correction. It would mean a stern public rebuke and removal from the ministry altogether until they humbly repented and proved themselves. Loving his sons solely with gentle love resulted in their deaths whereas implementing tough love would have saved them. Are you getting this? Tough love would have literally saved their lives, not to mention Eli’s ministry. It goes without saying that tough love is sometimes necessary. It’s a good thing, not bad.
You’ll occasionally see evidence of this “Eli Syndrome” in today’s churches. A pastor will grant status to some undeserving kin, usually children, grandchildren or siblings, which doesn’t necessarily have to be an official position. The pastor will then tend to condone the relatives’ carnal antics, making excuses for them, etc. As long as you get along with these relatives you’ll have the pastor’s favor, but if you dare take a stand against any carnality you’ll be blacklisted in one way or another and eventually forced to leave. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Like Eli, the pastor may offer a weak verbal correction for appearances sake while the relatives continue to wreak havoc, overtly or covertly. There’s only one sad end to the Eli Syndrome: The corruption of the ministry as sin works like yeast through the dough of the fellowship and the inevitable departure of God’s presence and anointing. If only the pastor would implement tough love!
“Do Everything in Love”
We must remember that loving God is the greatest commandment and to love God means to obey his commands, which includes obeying the promptings of the Holy Spirit (Matthew 22:37-40 & 1 John 5:3). Hence, when Jesus radically cleared the temple it was an act of love – love for God and love for the people. This was no time for gentle, soft love; it was time to break out the whip and render tough love by the dynamite power of the Holy Spirit!
This brings to mind Paul’s directive to the Corinthians: “be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love” (1 Corinthians 16:13-14). There will be occasions that call for decisiveness, boldness and raw spiritual passion, like when Jesus vigorously chased the fools out, but the foundation of any such actions must always be agape love – love for God and love for people. Make no mistake, Jesus did those ungodly clods a favor when he sternly rebuked them and drove them out of the temple on two separate occasions. Those who possessed even an iota of wisdom learned an unforgettable life-changing lesson. Wisdom declares: “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” (Proverbs 27:5-6).
Agape love is the primary fruit of the spirit and is, in fact, the fruit of the spirit; all the other fruits are manifestations of agape love (Colossians 3:12-14 & 1 Corinthians 13:4-7). If we’re to “do everything in love,” as Scripture instructs, this means that we’re producing fruit of the spirit even when we’re spiritually compelled to do something audacious and seemingly unloving, like when Jesus openly rebuked the religionists as “blind fools,” “snakes” and “brood of vipers” (Matthew 23). In other words, the believer is still producing fruit of the spirit when s/he shifts to tough love mode and potentially becomes a holy terror. Are you following? Producing fruit of the spirit entails more than just 24/7 sugary sweetness.
When Paul wrote to the Corinthian believers they were decidedly immature, characterized by divisions, jealousies and quarrels rather than godliness, as shown in 1 Corinthians 3:1-3. Paul likely had Jesus’ whip-cracking example in mind when he said: “What do you prefer? Shall I come to you with a whip, or in love with a gentle spirit?” (1 Corinthians 4:21). Obviously Paul would prefer to come to them in a spirit of gentle love but was prepared to break out the whip, figuratively speaking, and dish out the tough love if necessary. Can you imagine a minister saying this to a worldly congregation today? It would be scandalous. “How dare he! He’s supposed to be our servant!”
“Blows and Wounds Cleanse Away Evil”
This brings to mind the proverb: “Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being” (Proverbs 20:30). The text isn’t advocating abuse, of course, and some would contend that it’s only applicable to parents properly disciplining their children, yet there’s no indication that it’s limited to this. The proverb is a general truth, period. Yes, proper parental discipline will certainly drive out the folly bound up in the heart of a child, as shown in Proverbs 22:15, but what about children who are not trained in this manner by wise, loving parents? They’d still have evil bound up in them as adults since their parents or guardians failed to deal with it. I know firsthand because I was one of them. Unless they pursue and discover wisdom on their own, which is certainly a possibility, the only way their folly will be purged is via society’s rod of discipline or life’s blows. Such “discipline” can come in many forms.
Some people, even professing Christians, are so calloused, so arrogant, so disrespectful, so insulting, so demeaning, so deceitful, so greedy, so hypocritical, so selfish, so malicious, so slanderous or so Pharisaical that the only thing that’s going to provoke positive change is a severe blow, like a sharp rebuke, jail or literally getting the tar beat out of them. Don’t attempt to shield them from such blows in the name of so-called love. It’s precisely what they need.
This reminds me of a Vietnam vet I worked with years ago. He was fifty years old and virtually homeless – he had no vehicle and lived off & on at his girlfriend’s apartment. He was a great guy to work with, but he was obsessed with alcohol. It was his favorite topic of discussion. Although he didn’t allow his alcoholism to interfere with work, it was clear he had a huge problem. Then one day he just mysteriously disappeared. It turned out he was at some bar flapping his jaws one weekend and got beat up so bad he had to go to the hospital. After about ten days he finally called me from a distant VA hospital testifying that he was done with booze and needed to sober up before reentering society. This verifies the truth of the above proverb – “beatings purge the inmost being.” It took the wake-up call of a severe beating to effectively purge his soul of alcohol idolatry.
Now, tell me, was getting beat up a bad thing for this man or a good thing? It was a negative experience, to be sure, yet it produced positive results. The few months I worked with the guy I regularly prayed for him, and intercessory prayer is the vehicle that releases God into lives and situations. The LORD obviously resorted to tough love to set him free from a destructive life-dominating sin problem. There was no other way.
A good example from the Bible is Nehemiah, the godly leader of the rebuilding of Jerusalem and governor of Judah for many years. After spending some time in Persia he returned to Jerusalem only to find the Israelites sliding back into error. Some Judean men had married pagan women and half their children couldn’t even speak Hebrew or Aramaic. This was opposed to Mosaic Law (Deuteronomy 7:3), as well as Ezra’s relatively recent reforms (Ezra 9-10). Nehemiah was a righteous man and powerful leader in whom an entire book of the Bible is named. How did this great man of God handle this situation? He rebuked these men, citing Solomon’s pathetic fall as the quintessential example of this type of folly; in fact, he beat some of them up (Nehemiah 13:23-27)! Why did he do this? Because “blows and wounds cleanse away evil.” Such radical measures were necessary in view of the seriousness of the situation – Nehemiah was attempting to reestablish Jerusalem and God’s holy nation after a horrible Babylonian exile that lasted many decades. There could be zero tolerance for fools who would stubbornly forsake God’s Word in such vital areas.
Since striking someone except in self-defense is against the law in most cultures today, I’m obviously not advocating beating people up in the name of tough love, as Nehemiah did. But a stern rebuke may sometimes be in order or some type of bold stand or audacious display, e.g. throwing over tables, yelling, scattering coins or cracking a whip. Jesus did all of these. It wasn’t an everyday occurrence, of course, but the Scriptures show that he did such things on at least two occasions. It’s righteous radicalness. If you’re moved to such actions, be sure you’re led of the Spirit, like Jesus, and not of the flesh or you yourself will be at fault and culpable of rebuke. Never be a hotheaded, reckless fool (Proverbs 14:16) and always shun the fleshly bent toward authoritarianism and machismo posturing. I can’t stress this enough.
No Condo!
Speaking of authoritarianism, this includes the spirit of condemnation, or “condo” for short. What is a spirit of condemnation? It’s when a minister regularly tears down and beats up a congregation, which is an abuse of the pulpit. Such ministers tend to motivate others based on shame, e.g. “You’re not reading the Word of God like you should! (Or witnessing or praying or coming to church or giving, etc.) And you call yourself a Christian?” The obvious root of this type of wicked spirit is arrogance, which is a superiority complex. How so? When these ministers tear down others they automatically elevate themselves. Its pride, pure and simple, and it’s truly sad when ministers fall into such a religionist rut. Sometimes they never get out and, if they do, it’s either due to intense intercession or because someone dared to walk in tough love and openly correct them, or both.
The spirit of condo is completely at odds with the true ministerial spirit, which Paul summed up nicely when he spoke of the authority ministers have for building believers up and not tearing them down (2 Corinthians 10:8 & 13:10). He also stressed this in Ephesians 4:11-12 where he pointed out the purpose of all fivefold ministers: “to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up” (emphasis added).
It goes without saying that if you’re hooked up with a church where the pastor regularly tears down the congregation, and is stubborn and unrepentant about it, head for the hills! Never submit to a spirit of condemnation. Pray about it, boldly confront it as led of the Spirit and, if necessary, disassociate from it. Make no mistake, if you unwisely opt to tolerate such a spirit you’ll be poisoned one way or another because “Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33). It’s an axiom.
Strive for a Balanced Love Walk
Needless to say, we need to keep a balanced perspective when it comes to our love walk. Like Jesus, Paul, Peter, John and others, take the middle road between the extremes of soft love and tough love, moving to one extreme or another as the situation demands and as led of the Spirit. Avoid being one-dimensional. The LORD’s not one-dimensional and we’re called to imitate Him (Ephesians 5:1). Being a perpetually passive doormat that enables people to continue in their error is not what the Bible encourages, nor does it advocate being a rash fool who’s overly gung-ho with confronting and rebuking, which is abusive and usually results in unnecessary strife. Some situations call for the more gentle forms of agape, while others the harder variety. Stubbornly holding to a one-dimensional (and erroneous) notion of agape is sloppy agape. Stay in prayer and trust your spiritual instincts. If you miss it, be honest about it, get cleaned up (1 John 1:9), and continue on in love toward God and people, which are the two most important commands (Matthew 22:35-40).
For details see our corresponding video:
Related Topics:
Is There Such a Thing as RIGHTEOUS ANGER?
Jesus Christ — Milksop or Mighty Lord?
Ministerial Abuse — The Diotrephes Spirit vs. the Davidic Spirit
Ministerial Pitfalls and Abuses
Dealing with Personal Offenses vs. Criminal Acts
Pacifism — Absolute Pacifism (Unbiblical) and Limited Pacifism (Biblical)
Military Service — Is it Okay for Believers to Serve in the Armed Forces?
NOTE: This article was taken from The Believer’s Guide to FORGIVENESS & WARFARE. To purchase a copy go here (both print and eBook versions are available).
For a limited time we’re offering this book FREE! Simply send us your address here and we’ll send out your gift copy (those outside the USA must pay approximate shipping).