Q&A on Sex, Romance and Marriage

Is It Okay to Be Promiscuous?

Over and over in the Bible’s Song of Songs, the Shulammite maiden advises “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (2:7, 3:5 & 8:4). The Berean Study Bible phrases this as “Do not arouse or awaken love until the time is right.” In other words, don’t be so quick to jump into an intimate romantic relationship. Patiently wait until you’re mature enough to discern the worthy soul your heart truly loves and can be committed to for life. Solomon elsewhere wrote “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens” (Ecclesiastes 3:1). The time for a man and woman to enjoy sexual union is marriage, which occurs after they’ve found the worthy one who has genuinely stirred their love.

In short, love must wait for the right soulmate to come along. Don’t rush getting married for the sake of getting married. Don’t be more enchanted with the idea of a wedding and marriage than the person you’re marrying. Anyone who does so is setting themselves up for great heartbreak.

This truth is especially apropos in our modern LIEberal-influenced culture where teens are pressured to have sex as early as possible and as often as possible (and, even worse, as perverse as possible), which—it goes without saying—is a recipe for all kinds of unnecessary troubles.

Is There Such a Thing as Love-at-First-Sight?

Yes, but it would more accurately be described as wholesale-attraction-at-first-sight, which can ideally develop into deep love and a life-lasting relationship. This is illustrated in the Song of Songs with the Shepherd’s observation about the Shulammite maiden:

You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;

you have stolen my heart

with one glance of your eyes

with one jewel of your necklace

Song of Songs 4:9

This isn’t to say that all marriages begin with love-at-first-sight. For instance, my mother said she found my dad “egotistical” when she first met him and naturally wasn’t attracted to him. My father, however, said he was crazy about Mom the second he laid eyes on her. He eventually won her over and they were together till death did they part.

The love-at-first sight phenomenon was obviously one-sided in this case, but it was still key to bringing the two together, without which I wouldn’t be writing this. I wouldn’t even exist.

Is Sex Evil?

There’s this false idea that God is anti-sex, but the LORD created both the sex organs and the pleasure of sexual intimacy, not to mention romantic attraction. Romance and eventual consummation are God’s gift to be enjoyed within the context of a committed relationship. The devil didn’t create any of this, he just perverts it as “the god of this world” (1 Corinthians 4:4). God is pro-sex, but anti-sexual immorality.

What Is Marriage?

Marriage was defined by our Creator at the very beginning of the human race as a man leaving his father and mother and being united with his wife in which they become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). This was corroborated by Christ during his earthly ministry (Matthew 19:4-6) and confirmed by Paul (Ephesians 5:31).

So, marriage is a lifelong-committed relationship between a biological man and a biological woman, which makes them “one flesh” in God’s eyes. It’s a covenant between a man and a woman—a vital and enduring social contract (Proverbs 2:17). We observe this in the divinely-orchestrated marriage of Isaac and Rebecca:

Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.

Genesis 24:67

There was no wedding ceremony in the conventional sense that we understand today; the marriage was official due to the agreement between the two families and, most importantly, Isaac and Rebecca. The financial arrangements were established beforehand. There was no minister or judge required to pronounce them husband & wife and no written document is mentioned. The couple and their families had a verbal contract, a financial agreement and Isaac & Rebecca’s decisive willingness (Amos 3:3).

The bottom line is that this is what a marriage is: A man and a woman agreeing to be united as man & wife—“one flesh”—as long as they live. It’s a lifelong commitment between a biological male and female (which automatically discounts the idea of same-sex marriage).

While being “one flesh” presumes sexual intercourse will occur, that is not the definition of marriage, as Joseph was married to Mary before consummation (Matthew 1:24-25). When older couples stop having sex, are they still married? Of course.

This biblical definition of marriage shows that a man and woman could legitimately marry in a remote location, such as if they were castaways on a deserted island or settlers in remote areas of the globe. Obviously, they’d want to make it legal if/when they returned to civilization.

Why Make Marriage “Legal”?

Because 1. believers are to be submitted to the righteous laws of the governing authorities (Romans 13:1-6) and 2. to avoid “all appearance of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:22 KJV). The latter is important to being an effective ‘witness’ to others (2 Corinthians 8:21).

Another glaring reason to make one’s marriage legal is that marriage is the defining point of fornication, adultery and divorce:

Fornication is sex before marriage
Adultery is sex outside of marriage
Divorce is the dissolution of marriage

When it’s not clear who is married and who is not married it leads to moral ambiguity and the corresponding lawlessness.

What Is the Purpose of Marriage?

Social chaos results from unbridled or casual pairings. So, God set up the lifetime commitment of husband & wife—the marital covenant—as the firm base for a healthy society. Show me a community where the family unit breaks down or is nonexistent due to fornication, unfaithfulness and so on and I’ll show you a lawless society with many glaring problems.

The LORD instituted marriage as the means by which a man and a woman become “one flesh” in its fullest and most satisfying sense. Casual sex may have its allure, such as temporary fleshly gratification, but it results in death in one form or another (Romans 6:23). Nothing beats the ongoing joy and peace of a healthy marriage and family!

Other purposes include intimate fellowship with another soul—spiritually, mentally and physically (Matthew 19:4-6); procreation; a legit outlet for sexual activity; the corresponding pleasure; and preventing the spread of immorality and related sexual diseases (1 Corinthians 7:2).

So, Procreation Is Not the Main Purpose of Sex?

While procreation is important, it’s not the main design of sex in light of the fact that it’s never mentioned as the reason for the couple’s physical relationship in the Song of Songs, which is the Creator’s sole book on romance, marriage and sex in the God-breathed Scriptures (2 Timothy 3:16). In short, the LORD sanctioned and blessed the lovers’ romance & sexual intimacy in and of itself.

Consider this relevant passage from the biblical book of wisdom:

¹⁸May your fountain be blessed,

     and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.

¹⁹A loving doe, a graceful deer

     may her breasts satisfy you always,

     may you ever be captivated by her love.

²⁰Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress?

     Why embrace the bosom of another man’s

     wife?

Proverbs 5:18-20

“Fountain” in verse 18 is figurative of a man’s wife and the intimacy they share, which is intended by our Creator to bring pleasure and “satisfy.”

Pleasure is only one of three God-given benefits of sex. The other two are intimacy and procreation. Pleasure is noted by Solomon in the above passage while intimacy is inferred. He stresses children in Psalm 127:3-5.

In contrast to a shallow one-night stand or foolish affair, the marital covenant provides the God-blessed context where physical delight, close fellowship, enjoyment, amusement and security are fully realized.

Does the Bible Support Arranged Marriages?

In Old Testament times arranged marriages were accepted in biblical regions, organized by the families of the bridegroom and bride in question. Sometimes they were the result of political alliances, such as Solomon’s marriage to Pharaoh’s daughter (1 Kings 3:1). The obvious problem with such arrangements is that the individual is not choosing his/her spouse and so there’s a good chance that he/she won’t find the person a fitting or desirable mate-for-life. This is a potential recipe for disappointment.

I’m not saying that arranged marriages can’t work. The best-case scenario is that the two spouses in an arranged marriage develop love for each other. But shouldn’t the beginning step for a happy marriage be that the man or woman is attracted to the spouse and enjoys spending time with her/him and vice versa? I’m not talking about mere physical attraction here, but rather all-around physical/mental/spiritual allure.

For instance, I may find a Leftist celeb physically attractive, but—if I were single—I wouldn’t even want to go on a date with her let alone entertain the idea of marrying her. Why? Because I don’t find her inwardly appealing and we’re on different planets ideologically.

Another defense for arranged marriages is that fathers & mothers are the best people to choose a life-partner for their children. Yet I know (and you know) many fathers and mothers who are the last persons on Earth to entrust such an important decision. Personally, I wouldn’t want anyone else choosing my wife for me, except God. Speaking of which…

Ideally, all Christian marriages should be arranged marriages in the sense that the man and woman have diligently sought their Creator on whom to marry and the Spirit leads them to their future spouse. In essence God arranges the marriage. A good example of this is when the LORD orchestrated the marriage of Isaac & Rebekah in Genesis 24.

However, that’s not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about marriages being contractually arranged by families or regional leaders wherein romantic desire isn’t a factor in the negotiation (which, again, isn’t to say that such feelings can’t come later). In these kinds of marriages neither the young woman nor the man pursued each other prior to the arrangement and, often, didn’t even know what the other looked like, particularly in cultures where the woman wore a veil.

Yet this is not what we observe in the Song of Songs, which is God’s biblical model for romantic love and marriage. The two lovers—who would go on to wed and consummate—are clearly head-over-heels in love with each other. For instance, observe how aggressively the Shulammite woman pursues her shepherd lover in 3:1-4. Even if this sequence is a dream or daydream it reveals her great longing for “the one [her] heart loves.” Likewise, the man describes the maiden in terms of being intoxicated by her all-encompassing beauty and love (4:10).

This kind of intense all-around attraction forms the basis for a lasting marriage. We call it the “honeymoon stage.” Sure, this stage doesn’t last forever, but it’s the foundation upon which a lifelong marriage is set.

For anyone who argues that the relationship of the Shulammite and her shepherd was orchestrated by their families and is therefore an arranged marriage: 1. The two initially met under an apple tree (8:5b), 2. they became familiar with each other, 3. they totally adored one another, and 4. they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together as a couple, all of which indicates that their committed relationship wasn’t an “arranged marriage” in the sense that we’re talking.

What About Polygamy?

While God permitted Israelite men to marry several wives, polygamy is not the Creator’s ideal for marriage, as plainly observed in Matthew 19:4-6. Polygamous marriages chronicled in God’s Word suffered conflict with the predictable jealousy of the wives, such as Rachel and Leah in Genesis.

In the New Testament era, servant-leaders in the Church are instructed to have but one spouse (1 Timothy 3:2, 3:12 & Titus 1:6), which was to be an example to the believers in their midst (1 Timothy 4:12 & 1 Peter 5:3). So, while the New Covenant Scriptures don’t exactly prohibit polygamy, they definitely encourage the LORD’s ideal as established in Genesis 2:24—one husband, one wife, till death do they part.

But why did God permit polygamy in ancient times? Here are a couple of likely reasons:

The world at the time generally consisted of patriarchal societies where females relied on their fathers, brothers and husbands for provision & protection. Thus marriage, even if it was polygamous, protected women from a life of poverty, prostitution or slavery.
Polygamy also facilitated God’s Genesis directive to “be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth” (Genesis 1:28, 9:1 & 9:7) seeing as how husbands could impregnate other wives while one was pregnant/giving birth. This allowed men to have several children per year, as opposed to just one, and this was conducive to the increase & spread of humanity on the planet.

What About Divorce?

The definition of marriage shows that it is meant to last until one of the spouses dies. “God hates divorce,” the Bible says (Malachi 2:16). The Law only permitted divorce because of the hardness of hearts (Matthew 19:8).

That said, Christ acknowledged that unfaithfulness is grounds for divorce (Matthew 5:32, 19:9 & Luke 16:18). However, if the guilty spouse is penitent, I encourage working it out. In other words, while divorcing due to unfaithfulness is permissible, it’s not mandated. At the end of the day, it’s up to the offended spouse in question and the leading of the Spirit.

Further grounds for divorce would be abandonment or criminal abuse:

But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.

1 Corinthians 7:15

Concerning abuse, the verse stresses that “God has called us to live in peace” in relation to the marriage covenant. Obviously this cannot be accomplished if a spouse is seriously abusive and unrepentant about it.

Every individual is unique and every marital situation is distinctive. So I always encourage seeking the Lord on what to do when your spouse is unfaithful or wickedly abusive. Obviously if the offender is stubbornly impenitent the marriage will not work out. “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3 NKJV).

Speaking of one spouse being impenitent and this leading to the break-up of the marriage, consider the LORD’s judgment on the men of Judah:

“Therefore I will give their wives to other men and their fields to new owners. From the least to the greatest, all are greedy for gain; prophets and priests alike, all practice deceit.”

Jeremiah 8:10

Since the men of Judah were stubbornly unrepentant, God’s judgment was going to fall. (When God’s great mercy ends, judgment begins). This judgment would manifest partially in the LORD giving their wives over to other men. Chew on that.

At the end of the day, you have to be led of the Spirit (Romans 8:14) and do what you have a peace about doing (Colossians 3:15 & Philippians 4:7).

What About Remarriage?

If an individual divorces for one of the legitimate reasons noted above, s/he can remain single, which has its benefits (1 Corinthians 7:7,28,32-34), or remarry if led of the Spirit to do so. Obviously you don’t want to make rash decisions about marrying an individual.

If someone divorces for biblically illegitimate reasons, they’ll have to work it out with the LORD as far as staying single, remarrying their former spouse or possibly marrying someone else. It’s between them and their Maker. Do what you have the faith to do (Romans 14:23 & Titus 1:15).

Divorcing for illegitimate reasons is a sin, but nowhere does Scripture say that it’s an unforgiveable sin. As with any offense, the LORD will forgive us when we humbly confess (1 John 1:8-9) and God casts the sin into the sea of forgetfulness (Micah 7:19). Then you move on guided by the Spirit.

Anyone—including Christian servant-leaders—who imply that they never sin is a liar (Proverbs 20:9, Ecclesiastes 7:20 & 1 John 1:8).

Should a Believer Marry an Unbeliever?

No. If a believer does this s/he will get the devil as a father-in-law (John 8:44 & 1 John 3:10) and they will be unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14).

That said, if a believer does foolishly marry an unbeliever there’s always hope for the situation with the LORD involved (Psalm 71:14 & 130:7). We serve a God of miracles who can do anything in response to simple faith! Look up Jeremiah 32:27 and Mark 9:23.

In cases where one of the spouses of a couple gets saved, the Scriptures instruct to continue in the marriage unless the unbelieving spouse decides to abandon the union (1 Corinthians 7:15). Obviously the other two legitimate grounds for divorce noted earlier apply as well.

What’s the Secret of a Successful Marriage?

The Bible says that “a cord of three strands is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). In a marriage the three-strand cord consists of husband, wife and the LORD. As the husband and wife draw nearer to the Lord (James 4:8), they naturally come nearer to each other.

Here’s an illustration:

Now consider these additional biblical insights for a successful marriage:

Speak Words of Blessing/Adoration

Learn to focus on your mate’s attributes and creatively praise him/her, which will enrich your marriage. This should continue as the decades pass and your spouse is no longer in his/her physical prime. Of course, there’s a time & place for constructive criticism (Proverbs 9:8-9), which is a form of tough love. (Spouses should never condone godless carnality in their mates).

Like the lovers in the Song of Songs, speak grandly of your mate, as if she’s the most amazing woman on Earth (4:1-5) and he can leap over mountains (5:10-16). This will have a positive effect on his/her self-image and will enhance your relationship and intimacy. Anyone who constantly puts down their spouse—whether privately or publicly—will spoil or even destroy the relationship.

Your Mate Needs You as a Best Friend, Not Just a Physical Lover

The maiden in the Song of Songs plainly speaks of her lover as her beloved and her friend (5:16). She certainly wants him for intimacy—and overtly so (7:12-14) (note the reference to mandrakes, an ancient aphrodisiac)—yet she also desires her husband to be a brother to her (8:1-4).

In other words, she wanted to be playmates. She feels so comfortable with her committed lover that she can be imaginative & playful, spinning tales, knowing that he will not laugh at her, but with her. Wives want their man to open his heart to them, to not just be a caring physical lover—as good as that may be—but a playful sibling and a communicative, imaginative, honest best friend.

Take heed because truer words have never been spoken.

Take Care of Your Appearance/Hygiene

The shepherd’s description of his Shulammite maiden (Song of Songs 4:1-5) and her descriptions of him (5:10-16) show that they were careful to look, smell and sound their best for their partner. While this is easy to do during the honeymoon stage of a relationship—which these two were in at the time—it’s important to strive to look/smell/sound your best for your partner as the decades progress.

I include “sound” because the maiden describes the mouth of her lover as “sweetness itself” (5:16). Was she describing his literal maw or the sweet, encouraging words that proceeded from it? I believe the latter.

Naturally everyone is disheveled & sweaty after doing serious yard work or what have you but, even then, a relatively solid body and a healthy attitude go a long way in keeping one attractive whatever his/her age or body type. The Shulammite says of her lover: “His arms are rods of gold set with topaz. His body is like polished ivory decorated with lapis lazuli” (5:14).

If you’re a man, don’t give up on the battle of the bulge. I realize it’s tough to keep fit today, especially if you have a stationary job, but keep yourself looking good for your honey. Also be sure to regularly bathe, so you don’t stink. Remember, God is holy, which means absolutely pure, and believers are called to be holy in all we do (1 Peter 1:15-16). This includes hygiene.

Don’t take this as being insensitive to those struggling with weight issues. If a person or couple is okay with being heavy, what’s that to me? It’s none of my business. I’m just encouraging us to look (and smell) our best for our spouses, whatever body type or age. Amen?

What Is the Most Important Quality for a Mate?

I remember a couple of old movie stars, like Kirk Douglas, making statements that they didn’t believe men can be monogamous. But this is a copout to commit adultery or live in fornication. It explains why the bride & groom vow to be faithful to one another. In other words, yes, humans—and especially males—have a predilection for successive romantic/sexual partners, but this is precisely why it’s necessary for married couples to vow to be committed to one another till death (Proverbs 18:21).

To be faithful is to be loyal. Faithfulness is loyalty. It’s a fruit of the spirit and therefore the opposite of a work of the flesh (Galatians 5:19-23).

Loyalty is underrated these days. Honor the one who wears your ring. Write loyalty on the tablet of your heart—i.e. “love and faithfulness” (Proverbs 3:3)—and your marriage will last, assuming your partner feels the same way. Proverbs 20:28 says that love & faithfulness are crucial to the security of any “throne,” meaning any position of significance. This would include the husband or wife, the nucleus of any healthy family.

Proverb 19:22 says “unfailing love” is what a person most desires in another. In other words, they want loyalty, faithfulness. Yet Proverbs 20:6 notes how hard it is to find a faithful person. It’s a rare trait.

So, when looking for a spouse, loyalty should be high on your list of preferences since it’s one of the most priceless qualities for a happy marriage. Perhaps the worst thing a husband or wife can experience is an impenitent unfaithful spouse, which is common in this ignoble age.

Of course, loyalty or faithfulness doesn’t mean there isn’t a time and place for constructive criticism (Proverbs 9:8-9 & Proverbs 27:5-6), which is a form of tough love. I repeat: Spouses should never condone godless carnality in their mates. And neither should ministry associates or business partners. It’s important to hold one another accountable, assuming it’s in a godly manner as opposed to a legalistic (pharisaical) spirit.

This article was edited from chapter 11 of…