What if You KNOW a Confrontation Will Turn UGLY?

When people offend you, confrontation & correction is a biblical solution to the problem (Matthew 18:15-17), but there are seven common sense guidelines for rebuke, especially if you want the correction to be successful.

But what if the individual that needs confronted is known for being difficult (with you, if no one else) and so approaching him/her with a correction will likely create more issues than resolve? Put another way, this person tends to bring out the worst in you and so a reprimand on your part will probably result in a nasty mêlée. If you sense this then don’t do it, unless of course the Spirit specifically leads you to do so. It wouldn’t be worth it. Only a masochist would willfully enter into such a draining, unpleasant confrontation.

If the person goes to your assembly you can procure the aid of spiritually mature elders and then confront him/her, which will help keep the situation from becoming nasty. If the offender doesn’t go to your fellowship you can recruit the assistance of spiritual friends or kin. If neither of these is a viable option, then just intercede in the hope that the transgressor will change, but otherwise keep your distance. If it’s a person you’re forced to brush shoulders with due to work, family or neighborhood then limit your contact as far as is possible.

Someone might understandably contend: ‘But the Lord said we must confront the individual in Matthew 18:15-17.’ Actually Christ’s instructions apply specifically to handling offending Christians from one’s own assembly, which naturally means his guidelines must be revised in cases where the transgressor is hooked up with another fellowship or is unchurched. The Messiah’s words are more general instructions than unbendable rules that must be observed to the letter in each potential case.

For support, consider Paul’s instructions to the believers in Rome:

I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. ¹⁸ For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.

Romans 16:17-18 (ESV)

Paul instructs believers to look out for those who tend to cause conflict and concludes by simply saying “avoid them.” He doesn’t say anything about confronting & correcting these troublesome souls; he merely says to keep away from them. Were these contentious individuals believers or heathen? Paul was obviously denoting people functioning within the fellowship of Roman Christians who were at least professing believers. Whether they were genuine followers of Christ or not, Paul stresses in verse 18 that they weren’t actually serving the Lord but rather their own appetites. He then reveals what marks such divisive people: They have a reputation for being smooth talkers who deceive naïve folks, that is, people who are incapable of discerning their carnal character.

What exactly is deceitful “smooth talk”? To be frank, it’s bullcrap or another word that shares the initials of Bernie Sanders. These types have a knack for telling stories and exaggeration. Put another way, they have the ability to dazzle listeners with their bullcrap; not everyone, of course, just those who are gullible and lack the ability to identify their bullcrap for what it is. These are fabricators, braggarts and flatterers who naturally create discord and division wherever they roam since it’s their very nature. Guard yourself from such “believers” and steer clear of them. Don’t approach and reprimand them because they’ll despise you for it and turn the situation against you (Proverbs 9:7-9); they’ll try to tear you to pieces like the (hidden) vicious predators they are. They want to lure you into the realm of the flesh, which is the plane from which they operate. They want to bring out the worst in you. Don’t take the bait. Keep away from them; intercede for them and shield the naïve sheep in your midst from their smooth-talking devices.

I had an in-law years ago who was so offensive and argumentative that I had to stop taking his calls. I’d delete his messages without even listening. Why? Because speaking to him, or even giving ear to a voicemail, was like consuming poison; it would throw my day off course — destroying my concentration and draining my energy. I found out a Christian relative refused to take his calls as well. Neither of us did this hastily; it took ten years of merciful forbearance and prayer. But life is too valuable to squander on arrogant, disrespectful troublemakers and liars, even if they profess to be Christians. Don’t give ear to such a proven contentious person unless you learn from a respected source that s/he is willing to speak with a smidgen of meekness and respect. If so, give it a try.

Here’s another relevant text on the topic:

But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. ² For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, ³ heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, ⁴treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, ⁵having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.

2 Timothy 3:1-5 (ESV)

Paul gave these instructions to his acolyte, Timothy. He exhorted him to “avoid” these fleshly types who had an “appearance of godliness” but no actual spiritual effectiveness (verse 5). This revealed that these were people who claimed to know the Lord but plainly lacked the power of a new life. Instead of fruit of the spirit — love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, humility and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23) — they reveal steady signs of hatred, selfishness, greed, boasting, arrogance, manipulation, ungratefulness, depravity, gossip/slander, recklessness and smugness. As with the passage from Romans above, the apostle doesn’t even tell his protégé to confront & correct such individuals; rather he directs him to simply keep away from them.

If the offenders you are dealing with share these carnal traits rebuking them is pointless because they lack the spiritual character to receive correction, the primary fruit being love. It’s just not possible to correct bigheaded, rude, impulsive individuals without being pulled into a big nasty fight. It will likely drag you into the realm of the flesh and draw out the worst in you. These hardened types loathe spirituality and correction, regardless of whether or not they’re confessing Christians and attend a certain assembly. “Avoid such people.”

**Discern Proper Timing When a Confrontation/Correction Is Necessary**

Timing is another thing to consider when the possibility of an ugly confrontation surfaces. The Messiah’s handling of the Pharisees is a good illustration. The Pharisees & other legalists in the Holy Land were unjustly antagonistic toward Christ and were so hateful they literally schemed to slay him. They also transgressed against the LORD with their gross legalism and shady “leadership” in Israel. Keep in mind that Yeshua was Immanuel — “God with us” (Isaiah 7:14 & Matthew 1:23) — so these corrupt religionists were sinning against the Son just as well as the Father. Obviously the Lord would have to eventually confront them if they failed to respond to intercession and the preaching of truth, even though he knew it wouldn’t be pleasant. However, we observe Jesus leaving Judea for Galilee in the early days of his ministry in order to dodge a premature altercation with the Pharisees, who were troubled by his swelling number of disciples (John 4:1-3). They were obviously green with envy. Whilst Christ knew he would probably have to confront & correct these fake religious leaders, it was yet too early to do so; thus he evaded a clash altogether by going back to Galilee. The Messiah later reprimanded them to their faces, of course, and it was anything but pleasant (Luke 11:37-54 & Matthew 23:13-33).

This discloses the Messiah’s fight strategy regarding the possibility of open rebuke: He first tackled the situation in a moderate, lenient manner — dodging an ugly clash in preference to prayer & conveying the Word. He only upped the ante when the gentler method failed to produce results. When Christ dealt with spiritual individuals, like John “the disciple whom Jesus loved,” he rarely if ever had to take the tough love approach because spiritual people have the prudence to respond to the softer approach.

Paul adhered to this basic plan of action as well. He established the assembly at Corinth and set the doctrinal groundwork with much paternal love, compassion, kindness and intercession. But several years later he found out that the congregants were acting like spiritual infants and so he rebuked them (1 Corinthians 3:1-3); he was even ready to pull out the metaphorical whip (1 Corinthians 4:21). If they reacted wisely to the harder approach, meaning they meekly ’fessed up, Paul would of course return to his softer, favored style of ministry.

Let’s bring this home: If the prayerful, soft love manner isn’t effective, God may direct you or me to confront individuals in the Christian community, including ‘leaders’ corrupted by pomposity and religiosity, but we have to discern appropriate timing. Like Christ, we have to be guided by the Spirit and go with our spiritual instincts, even though this won’t change the likelihood that the altercation will be unpleasant.