What IS Marriage? (and Related Topics)

Marriage was defined by our Creator at the very beginning of physical creation:

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

Genesis 2:24

Christ confirmed this definition of marriage:

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ ⁵and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? ⁶So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Matthew 19:4-6

This definition is also conveyed in Mark 10:6-9. Paul confirmed it as well in Ephesians 5:31.

What we conclude from this is that marriage is a lifelong-committed relationship between a biological man and a biological woman, which makes them “one flesh” in God’s eyes. It’s a covenant between a man and a woman — a vital and enduring social contract (Proverbs 2:17). We observe this in the divinely-orchestrated marriage of Isaac and Rebecca:

Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.

Genesis 24:67

Notice that there was no wedding ceremony in the conventional sense that we understand today; the marriage was official due to the agreement between the two families and, most importantly, Isaac and Rebecca. The financial arrangements were established beforehand (you can read the whole account here). There was no minister or judge required to pronounce them husband & wife and no written document is mentioned. The couple and their families had a verbal contract, a financial agreement and Isaac & Rebecca’s decisive willingness.

The bottom line is that this is what a marriage is: A man & a woman agreeing to be united as man & wife — “one flesh” — as long as they live. It’s a lifelong commitment between a biological male and female (which automatically discounts the idea of same-sex marriage, i.e. “gay” marriage).

While being “one flesh” presumes sexual intercourse will occur, that is not the definition of marriage, as Joseph was married to Mary before consummation, as observed here:

This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit. ¹⁹ Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.

²⁰ But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. ²¹ She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.”

²² All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: ²³ “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”).

²⁴ When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. ²⁵ But he did not consummate their marriage until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus.

Matthew 1:18-25

This makes sense because, if sexual intercourse was the sole definition of marriage — of being “one flesh” — then couples would no longer be married if they ceased having intercourse, such as older couples or cases wherein either husband or wife cannot have sex for one reason or another.

This biblical definition of marriage shows that a man and woman could legitimately marry in a remote location, such as if they were castaways on a deserted island or settlers in remote areas of the globe. But, obviously, they’d want to make it legal if/when they returned to civilization. Speaking of which…

Why Make Marriage “Legal”?

Answer: Because (1) believers are to be submitted to the righteous laws of the governing authorities (Romans 13:1-6) and (2) to avoid “all appearance of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:22 KJV). The latter is important in order to be an effective witness to others (2 Corinthians 8:21).

The former is important because it reveals the couple’s willingness to submit to the community, which would include the state. Right before Paul gave instructions on marriage he instructed believers to “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21-33).

Another glaring reason to make one’s marriage legal is that marriage is the defining point of fornication, adultery and divorce:

Fornication is sex before marriage
Adultery is sex outside of one’s marriage
Divorce is the dissolution of marriage

When who is married and who is not married is not clear it leads to moral ambiguity and the corresponding lawlessness.

Is a “Common Law Marriage” Acceptable for Believers?

A common law marriage is a marriage wherein a couple mutually agrees to cohabitate as committed man & wife without a civil or religious ceremony, which should be distinguished from whimsically living together in fornication with no intent of commitment. The Lord distinguishes the two and cannot be fooled (John 4:16-18). Common law marriage is acceptable for believers in situations where there is no access to legal marriage, like if they’re stuck on a deserted island. The case of Isaac & Rebecca, noted above, is another example, but in their situation there was no state to acknowledge their marriage, although it was acknowledged by their families.

In modern day nations, however, there’s no reason not to make one’s marriage clear to society by making it legally binding. Even in cases where the state acknowledges common law marriages, believers should make their marital union more concrete for appearances sake so as not to be a bad witness, as noted above.

But let’s say the couple doesn’t want to get legally married because their taxes will go up or the woman will lose government assistance if she documents herself as married. If the couple does this, they are lying about their marital status to the government for reasons of monetary gain (greed). This obviously would not be a case of justifiable lying, as when the Hebrew midwives lied to Pharaoh to save the lives of male babies (Exodus 1:15-21). It is a shaky foundation on which to set a marriage, not to mention it reflects lack of faith in God’s provision for their new life together.

In situations where a couple rejects the traditional concept of a wedding – whether pronounced by a minister or a judge – and only have a relationship within the commitment of common law marriage, they are fully bound in marriage together. In other words, they are indeed married. But they have an issue with rebellion — bucking the system, thinking that they are above the law, disrespecting customs and traditions of their culture, dishonoring their families and community.

Yes, they are married. But what about submitting their matrimony to the fellowship of the community and the authority of the state? Submission is not a popular subject because the flesh doesn’t like to acknowledge or submit to someone else’s power. But submitting to one another and the governing authorities – physical and spiritual – is a Christ-like trait (Ephesians 5:21, 1 Peter 5:5 & Romans 13:1-6). So this is an issue of pride, not a marriage issue. Believing men & women who decide to be married should do the paperwork.

There’s another obvious problem with couples who refuse to make their marriage more binding through a ceremony & legal document: It smacks of “leaving the door open” in case their relationship doesn’t work out, which makes it easier to bail when difficulties inevitably arise. If either spouse chooses to abandon the relationship they have a readymade excuse: “Well, we weren’t technically married.”

Wedding Ceremonies Are Rites of Passage

While Isaac & Rebecca didn’t have much of a wedding ceremony (Genesis 24:67), we know more elaborate ceremonies took place because Christ’s first miracle took place at a wedding celebration in Cana (John 2:1-11). The idea of a written contract can be found in the apocryphal book of Tobit:

¹²Then Raguel summoned his daughter Sarah. When she came to him he took her by the hand and gave her to Tobias, saying, ‘Take her to be your wife in accordance with the law and decree written in the book of Moses. Take her and bring her safely to your father. And may the God of heaven prosper your journey with his peace.’ ¹³Then he called her mother and told her to bring writing material; and he wrote out a copy of a marriage contract, to the effect that he gave her to him as wife according to the decree of the law of Moses. ¹⁴Then they began to eat and drink.

Tobit 7:12-14 (NRSVA)

This simple “ceremony” consisted of the father handing his daughter over to the groom with his blessing and writing a contract regarding the family agreement, which was documented proof of their marriage. Is this not basically what takes place in weddings today?

While this is an apocryphal passage, it nevertheless shows that marriages were legitimized via written documentation in the 8^th Century BC, which is when the events of the book take place (721 BC). The book itself, however, was written somewhere between 225-175 BC, which means that Tobit shows that written marriage contracts can be traced back at least to the 3^rd Century, BC.

Whether the ceremony is elaborate like the wedding banquet at Cana or simple like this one or Isaac & Rebecca’s wedding (Genesis 24:67), it’s not the formality that makes the marriage real, but rather the intent and design of the bride and groom’s heart. Even in the event that a man & woman who decide to marry are stuck on a deserted island they would certainly have some kind of ceremony wherein they agreed to be married and thus committed to one another for life. For instance, enslaved people in the 1800s couldn’t legally marry, but that didn’t stop them from having a “jumping the broom” ceremony.

Whether elaborate or simple, the ceremony is a rite of passage wherein the reality of their new status is established and then commemorated in years to come. The couple and their community see this event – this date – as a turning point in their life journey, separating their prior singleness from their ongoing unity as “one flesh.”

Neither does the written contract make a marriage reality. The son of a friend of mine got married a few years ago in a state where you are required to have the minister — or whoever the officiator is — sign the marriage license application and then return the paper work to the county clerk; in a few weeks you’d receive the legal marriage certificate. Yet the couple went on their honeymoon the next morning and completely forgot about doing the paperwork until almost a year later when they finally got it straight. Does this mean they weren’t married for nine months? Were they “living in sin” for that period of time? Of course not. They were married the day they agreed to be united in holy matrimony. The written document has to do with the government legally acknowledging the marriage that already existed.

I remember a couple of old movie stars, like Kirk Douglas, making statements that they didn’t believe men can be monogamous. But this is a scapegoat to commit adultery or live in fornication. It explains why the bride & groom vow to be faithful to one another. In other words, yes, humans – and especially males – have a predilection for successive sexual/romantic partners and this is why it’s necessary for married couples to vow to be committed to one another till death do them part.

What’s the Purpose of Marriage?

The scriptural definition of marriage is: A man & a woman agreeing to be united as man & wife – “one flesh” – as long as they live (Genesis 2:24). But what is God’s reason for marriage? Simple: Social chaos would result from unbridled or casual pairings seeing as how the strategic underpinning which the family unit offers society would disintegrate. In other words, God set up the lifetime commitment of husband & wife – the marital covenant – as the firm base for a healthy society. Show me a community where the family unit breaks down or is nonexistent due to fornication, unfaithfulness or the government’s encouragement and I’ll show you a lawless society with many glaring problems.

Just as important, the LORD instituted marriage as the means by which a man and a woman become “one flesh” in it’s fullest and most satisfying sense. Casual sex may have it’s allure, not to mention temporary fleshly satisfaction, but it results in death in one form or another since “the wages of sin is death” (Romans 6:23). Nothing beats the ongoing joy and peace of a healthy marriage and family!

What About Polygamy?

While the LORD allowed Hebrew men to marry multiple wives for a couple reasons, polygamy is not God’s best for marriage, as clearly detailed in the beginning (Matthew 19:4-6). Polygamous marriages chronicled in Scripture suffered contention with the inevitable rivalry of the wives (e.g. 1 Samuel 1:1-8).

In the New Covenant, by contrast, God instructed that leaders in the Church should have but one spouse (1 Timothy 3:2, 3:12 & Titus 1:6), which was to be an example to the believers under them (1 Timothy 4:12 & 1 Peter 5:3). So, while the New Testament doesn’t outright forbid polygamy, it definitely encourages God’s ideal as originally stated in Genesis – one husband, one wife, till death do them part.

But why did the LORD allow polygamy in the Old Testament? A couple reasons come to mind: The world at the time generally consisted of patriarchal societies where females relied on their fathers, brothers and husbands for provision & protection. Thus marriage, even if it was polygamous, protected women from a life of poverty, prostitution or slavery. Polygamy also facilitated God’s Genesis directive to “be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth” (Genesis 1:28, 9:1 & 9:7) seeing as how husbands could impregnate other wives while one was pregnant/giving birth. This allowed men to have several children per year, as opposed to just one, and this was conducive to the increase & spread of humanity on Earth.

What About Divorce?

The Bible’s definition of marriage shows that it is meant to last until one of the spouses dies. “God hates divorce,” the Scriptures say (Malachi 2:16). The Mosaic Law only permitted divorce because of the hardness of the Hebrews’ hearts (Matthew 19:8).

That said, Christ acknowledged that unfaithfulness is grounds for divorce (Matthew 5:32, 19:9 & Luke 16:18). However, if the guilty spouse is genuinely repentant I encourage working it out and persevering. In other words, while divorcing due to unfaithfulness is permissible, it’s not mandated. At the end of the day, though, it’s up to the offended spouse in question and the leading of the Spirit.

Further grounds for divorce would be abandonment or impenitent criminal abuse:

But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.

1 Corinthians 7:15

Concerning abuse, the verse stresses that “God has called us to live in peace” in relation to the marriage covenant. Obviously this divine calling cannot be accomplished or maintained if one of the spouses is seriously abusive and unrepentant about it.

Every individual is unique and every marital situation is unique. So I always encourage seeking the Lord on what to do when your spouse is unfaithful or wickedly abusive. Obviously if the offender is stubbornly impenitent the marriage will not work out. As it is written, “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3 NKJV).

Speaking of one spouse being stubbornly impenitent and this leading to the break-up of the marriage, consider the LORD’s judgment on the men of Judah:

“Therefore I will give their wives to other men and their fields to new owners. From the least to the greatest, all are greedy for gain; prophets and priests alike, all practice deceit.”

Jeremiah 8:10

Since the men of Judah were foolishly unrepentant, God’s judgment was going to fall (keeping in mind that where God’s great mercy ends, judgment begins). This judgment would manifest partially in the LORD giving their wives over to other men. Chew on that.

At the end of the day believers are to be led of the Spirit (Romans 8:14) and do what they have a peace about doing (Colossians 3:15 & Philippians 4:7).

What About Remarriage?

If an individual divorces for one of the legitimate reasons noted above, s/he can remain single, which has its benefits according to Scripture (1 Corinthians 7:7,28,32-34), or remarry if led of the Spirit to do so. Obviously you don’t want to make rash decisions about marrying an individual.

My wife, Carol, divorced her former husband on the grounds of unfaithfulness on repeated occasions. The fact that he was a pathological liar didn’t help matters. The judgment of Jeremiah 8:10 came upon him (see the previous section). Led of the Spirit, Carol & I married and have been one-flesh for over 25 years as of this writing (the opening photo is us in 1995).

If someone divorces for biblically illegitimate reasons they’ll have to work it out with the LORD as far as staying single, remarrying their former spouse or possibly marrying someone else. It’s between them and their Maker. Do what you have the faith to do (Romans 14:23 & Titus 1:15).

Divorcing for illegitimate reasons is a sin, but nowhere does Scripture say that divorce is an unforgiveable offense. As with any transgression, the LORD will forgive us when we humbly confess (1 John 1:8-9) and God casts the sin into the sea of forgetfulness (Micah 7:19). Then you move on guided by the Spirit.

Anyone – including Christian servant-leaders – who imply that they never sin is a liar (Proverbs 20:9, Ecclesiastes 7:20 & 1 John 1:8).

Now let’s take a second look at…

What Is the Purpose of Marriage?

The marriage covenant between a man & woman has several purposes:

Intimate fellowship with another soul – spiritually, mentally and physically (Matthew 19:4-6);
Procreation;
A legitimate outlet for sexual activity and the corresponding pleasure (Song of Solomon);
Preventing the spread of immorality and the corresponding sexual diseases (1 Corinthians 7:2);
And providing a strategic foundational sanctuary for your children wherein kids are lovingly brought up in the training and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).

Yet there’s a deeper purpose as marriage is actually a type of God’s relationship with those of whom the Creator reconciles (Ephesians 5:31–32).

New Testament Instructions for Married Couples

Here’s what Paul instructed married couples by the Holy Spirit:

²¹ Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” ³² This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 5:21-33

Any important decision in marriage should obviously be prayed about and discussed by the couple; then they should do what they agree to do since they’re “one flesh.” Interestingly, Abraham was the progenitor of the Israelites and the “father of faith” (Romans 3:27-4:25) and it was his wife, Sarah, who made the decision to acquire Hagar so Abraham could have children through her since Sarah couldn’t bear offspring at the time (Genesis 16). It was also her decision to exile Hagar & Ishmael (the latter being Abraham & Hagar’s child) after she became jealous. My point is that Abraham complied with both decisions (Genesis 21). Yet one of the spouses has to have the final say on a matter in cases of disagreement and that is, according to the Scriptures, the husband since he is the “head.”

You’ll note in the Ephesians passage that the husband’s headship isn’t an excuse for abuse. In fact the text exhorts the husbands to love their wives three times …

in a self-sacrificial manner as Christ loves the Church (verse 25)
as their own bodies (verse 28)
as themselves (verse 33)

Why should husbands love their wives “as their own bodies” – “as themselves”? Because a married couple is not two, but one. As such, what you do to your spouse, you do to yourself. Thus wives are instructed to respect their husband; if they don’t, they’re disrespecting themselves.

Should a Believer Marry an Unbeliever?

No. If a believer does this s/he will automatically get the devil as a father-in-law (John 8:44 & 1 John 3:10) and the couple will be unequally yoked (2 Corinthians 6:14).

In cases where one of the spouses of an already-married couple gets saved, the Scriptures instruct the believer to continue in the marriage unless the unbelieving spouse decides to abandon the union (1 Corinthians 7:15). Obviously the other two legitimate grounds for divorce noted earlier apply as well.

Closing Thoughts

The purpose of this article is to provide general scriptural instructions on marriage and related topics. The main purpose is to understand the biblical definition of marriage, which is a covenant — an agreement — of a committed relationship between a biological male & female, which doesn’t require a pronouncement by an official, whether a minister or judge, nor does it demand a written document for verification.

This should help the Church relate to and serve couples who — for whatever reason — haven’t (yet) made their marriages more legally binding in a conventional sense. This is not to suggest, of course, that every couple who’s living together is married; many are just living in fornication until they choose to leave at whim, which obviously is not marriage (John 4:16-18).

For believers, it’s wise to make our marriages legally-binding for the reasons noted above, including respect & submission to the community and corresponding authorities, which makes for a good Christian witness. This explains why a pastor might counsel a Common Law-married couple to make their marriage more legally binding by doing the paperwork, particularly if they want to join the assembly in question.

Beyond that, we should be careful about nosing into a couple’s marital details and simply take them at their word; after all, that’s what the LORD does (Matthew 12:36-37 & Proverbs 18:21). Such things are between them and their Maker. Let the Word of God and the Holy Spirit guide them, convict them, etc.