Does Walking in AGAPE LOVE Mean You Should Be a DOORMAT to Abuse?
A popular minister was preaching on walking in agape love wherein he quoted a verse from the great love passage:
Love bears up under anything and everything that comes,
1 Corinthians 13:7a (Amplified Bible Classic)
He then brought up a Christian brother who was dealing with a rude, abusive jerk and vented in desperation, “I just can’t take it any longer; I just can’t put up with him any longer.” The minister replied, “Love can.” The implication is that the believer who walks in agape love will perpetually put up with fleshly mistreatment in the name of agape love.
The problem with this kind of teaching is that it’s unbalanced since it disregards other pertinent passages. Being unbalanced, it puts people into religious bondage, which is never a good thing (religious bondage is a form of legalism). The ‘bondage’ in this case is the ‘doormat syndrome,’ which is the mentality that Christians must continually tolerate abuse from others in the name of love. If they don’t, they’re not walking in agape love (supposedly).
To show that this is error we’re going to look at several passages for proper balance. ‘Scripture interprets Scripture’ is a hermeneutical rule for good reason. Let’s begin with the biblical definition of agape love:
4Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up [arrogant]; 5does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NKJV)
The Greek word for ‘love’ in this passage is agape (ah-GAH-pay), which means that this is the biblical definition of agape love. As you can see, agape love is practical in nature and doesn’t involve a feeling. In other words, agape love is practical love and is not dependent upon an emotion, like adoration, fondness or respect. This explains how believers can love their enemies in a practical sense even though they understandably may not like or respect them, which both Christ and Paul taught (Luke 6:27 & Romans 12:20-21).
Notice how the Lord phrased this instruction:
27“But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”
Luke 6:27-28
Jesus is using the verb form of agape here. observe how he describes loving one’s enemies in terms of doing good to them regardless of how they’re unjustly treating you. In verse 28 he gives the examples of blessing them and praying for them. In other words, loving a person in the agape sense has nothing to do with affection and everything to do with doing something good for a person regardless of how you feel about him/her. There are separate Greek words for loving someone in the sense of having affection or respect, such as phileo love (e.g. John 11:35-36).
So agape love is loving a person in a practical sense and has zero to do with affection or respect. This kind of love is a fruit of the spirit as opposed to a work of the flesh (Galatians 5:19-21). In short, the more you walk in the spirit the more you’ll produce the fruit of agape love. By contrast, the more you live out of your flesh the less you’ll be able to walk in agape love.
The minister noted earlier argued that agape love “bears up under anything and everything that comes.” While this is true, it does not mean a believer who walks in agape love is obligated to perpetually tolerate rude mistreatment. Verse 4 in the Bible’s definition of agape love (quoted above) says that “love suffers long,” which is 100% true, but this doe not mean agape love suffers forever, just that it extends grace to the fool who’s doing the mistreatment. The Old Testament puts this wise principle like so:
Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult.
Christ phrased it like this: “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also” (Matthew 5:39). Since he specified the right cheek, Jesus was referring to a backhanded slap to the face, which was an insult in that culture. Turning the cheek therefore signified overlooking an insult as an extension of grace to one’s persecutor. The goal of this principle is to make an effort of peace with unjustly contentious people, which is an example of agape love, aka practical love (Romans 12:18 & Hebrews 12:14). Overlooking an insult or “turning the cheek” is a refusal to feed the person’s hostility and prevents the situation from escalating into something ugly or dangerous. You’re extending grace to a person who’s walking in the flesh and preventing them from drawing you into their darkness. So you’re protecting yourself from being victimized by a fool. You can read more about this here.
However, while making a generous effort to live in peace with troublesome people is biblical and noble, it’s not wise to make an idol out of it and become a living doormat to abuse.
While agape love “endureth all things” this doesn’t mean believers should perpetually put up with rude, abusive jerks in the name of love. Agape love “suffers long” for the sake of peace with irksome people, but it doesn’t suffer perpetually. Actually…
Agape Love Confronts & Corrects When Appropriate
In the biblical definition of agape love we see that “love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). So, while the believer who’s walking in the spirit and thus walking in agape love “suffers long” by forbearing with a rude, abusive person far longer than someone who’s walking in the flesh, it’s not a perpetual thing. There’s a time and place for Spirit-led confrontation and rebuke. The believer can overlook the mistreatment and pray for the abusive person in the name of peace, but also confront and correct with scriptural truth at the appropriate moment as led of the Spirit.
This is the balance of gentle love and tough love. Here are some passages that support this:
Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.
“If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them.”
15“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
Matthew 18:15-17
Someone might ask, what would Jesus do? The Messiah only put up with the corrupt religious leaders of Israel to a gracious point — wherein he interceded for them, hoping they’d repent — but then he boldly confronted them to their faces as led of the Spirit, frankly calling them “blind fools,” “hypocrites” (fakes), “snakes,” “whitewashed tombs,” “brood of vipers,” “children of Gehenna,” etc. (e.g. Matthew 23:13-33 & Luke 11:37-54).
Paul was the apostle who wrote the ‘love passage’ inspired by the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 13:4-7), so he strongly believed in agape love suffering long when dealing with offensive fools, but notice how he dealt with some oppressive unbelievers on this occasion in Corinth:
5When Silas and Timothy came from Macedonia, Paul devoted himself exclusively to preaching, testifying to the Jews that Jesus was the Messiah. 6But when they opposed Paul and became abusive, he shook out his clothes in protest and said to them, “Your blood be on your own heads! I am innocent of it. From now on I will go to the Gentiles.”
Acts 18:5-6
When the stubborn Hebrews became abusive Paul refused to take it, but rather openly rebuked them (Proverbs 27:5) and took his service for God elsewhere, i.e. to those who would welcome it. Needless to say, go where you’re celebrated, not where you’re abused.
Now observe how Paul handled a troublesome unbeliever on the island of Cyprus who was hindering his strategic ministry:
6They traveled through the whole island until they came to Paphos. There they met a Jewish sorcerer and false prophet named Bar-Jesus, 7who was an attendant of the proconsul, Sergius Paulus. The proconsul, an intelligent man, sent for Barnabas and Saul because he wanted to hear the word of God. 8But Elymas the sorcerer (for that is what his name means) opposed them and tried to turn the proconsul from the faith. 9Then Saul, who was also called Paul, filled with the Holy Spirit, looked straight at Elymas and said, 10“You are a child of the devil and an enemy of everything that is right! You are full of all kinds of deceit and trickery. Will you never stop perverting the right ways of the Lord? 11Now the hand of the Lord is against you. You are going to be blind for a time, not even able to see the light of the sun.”
Immediately mist and darkness came over him, and he groped about, seeking someone to lead him by the hand. 12When the proconsul saw what had happened, he believed, for he was amazed at the teaching about the Lord.
Acts 13:6-12
Elymas was a celebrity of sorts on Cyprus and so Paul & Barnabas were likely aware of him before visiting the island. They no doubt bathed the magician in prayer, as well as the proconsul, since Paul taught believers to do this very thing (1 Timothy 2:1-2).
Paul & Barnabas were sharing the message of Christ with the proconsul, but Elymas was rudely hampering their ministry and actively trying to keep the official from the faith. So Paul “filled with the Holy Spirit” openly rebuked Elymas, calling him a “child of the devil and enemy of everything that is right,” and then proceeded to curse him with temporary blindness in order to humble him. As it is written, “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18). Verse 12 shows that the proconsul was amazed by their ministry and accepted the gospel.
Paul & Barnabas had prayed about this situation beforehand and were walking in the spirit. They no doubt suffered long with Elymas’ abusive antics but, when enough was enough, Paul took a righteous stand against the troublesome magician and boldly humbled the man, led of the Spirit.
While this was a rare happening in the apostles’ ministries in the early Church, it wasn’t an isolated occurrence, as Peter did something similar with another sorcerer while ministering in Samaria (Acts 8:9-24). In both cases the apostles were dealing with non-Christians, so the argument that believers can only confront & rebuke fellow Christians is unbiblical.
I’m not encouraging believers to be rash when encountering offensive people (Proverbs 12:16 & Proverbs 13:3), I’m encouraging us to walk in the spirit rather than the flesh; walk in agape love, which is practical love. Agape love “suffers long” for the sake of peace, but it refuses to be a doormat to ongoing fleshly abuse. It refuses to make an idol out of niceness and peace. There’s a time & place for taking a righteous stand and boldly rebuking unreasonable fools for their evil, led of the Spirit.
Confrontation and correction are good & appropriate when negative behavior continues because it holds the offender accountable to their abusive actions, not to mention it “sharpens” them like iron sharpening iron, although incorrigible fools will likely hate you for it (Proverbs 9:8-9). If you fail to confront and correct an impenitent abuser he/she will just continue in their negative behavior and continue hurting people. That’s not agape love because “love does not rejoice in evil, but rejoices in the truth.”
Yes, agape love “bears up under anything and everything that comes,” but this includes bearing up under the challenges of life, like taking a righteous stand against wickedness and reproving someone who desperately needs reproving; it does not exclude such challenges due to an unbalanced religious understanding of love.
Related Topics:
The Four Types of Love in the Bible
Turning the Cheek — What it Means and Doesn’t Mean
Handling Personal Offenses vs. Handling Criminal Acts
What if You KNOW a Confrontation Will Turn UGLY?
Pacifism — Absolute Pacifism (Unbiblical) and Limited Pacifism (Biblical)
Military Service — Is it Okay for Believers to Serve in the Armed Forces?
Spirituality — How to be Spirit-Controlled Rather than Flesh-Ruled
Forgiveness—Should You Forgive EVERYONE for EVERYTHING ALL of the Time?
Why You should always Forgive when the Offender is Repentant
Judging—When SHOULD You Judge and When SHOULDN’T You Judge?
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